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Posts Tagged ‘Dreams’

Fresh Innocence

In Family on February 2, 2011 at 12:34 am

I’ve been quiet lately because I’ve had lots to do. We’ve all heard that one before – but no really, I have. January came and left just like that – wasn’t it supposed to be a quiet month after the holidays? Yet the holidays live on – by the time I finish this post, it will be New Year’s Eve for the year of the Hare.

I get a re-start. Lucky me.

For the 5th year in a row, it’s a new year without family. Although deep in my heart, I want to spend it in Toronto with a lady who is very special to me, it is likely that I’ll be working through the night in the music studio instead. FML, or rather, FJB.

A lot of people have rebellious natures, but I was stupid enough to act on mine. A lot of people have dreams, too, but I actually actively chase them – some people call it courageous, others call it daring, a few call it unrealistic, and pessimists have called it worse things. I don’t care, it’s the only way I’d live.

But there are prices to pay and there are consequences of choosing such a path – I became so caught up in my work, deadlines, and the “fight”, that I let the important bits of life slip on by. When it’s good, I feel on top of the world, but when it’s bad, I feel that life is running me. I can’t cave and withdraw now though – there is no fallback if I don’t look out for myself. There is so much build up, I can almost see the light. This year is critical.

Qui ne risque rien, n’a rien. Some go for the big fish, I have my eyes on the shark.

It flatters me immensely to think that someone would call me “Supergirl” – ever since I could remember, I idolized superman over any other being in this world. My fan-photo is proof. I believed in him then just as how my brother (DJ) believes in the tooth fairy now.

I don’t know if DJ really believes in the tooth fairy, or that he just believes in everything I say – something that touches me deeply, but the money under the pillow certainly helps the tale.

DJ recently lost another tooth, so he put it under his pillow, as he did with previous teeth that had fallen. The next day:

DJ: (in a sad tone) Mommy, you’re right, the tooth fairy must be too busy getting ready for the New Year, that she forgot to come 😦
Mom: (thinking: oh shoot, I forgot about it!) Er…yeah, it’s a very busy time of the year, so why don’t you go back to sleep and give the tooth fairy some more time?
DJ: Okay. *falls back to sleep

30 minutes (or so) later…

DJ: omg look! It’s a 50!!!
Oh really? A 50? That’s generous!
DJ: It’s New Years, of course she’d give me extra! (in Pinyin: dou guo nian le, hai bu duo gei diar ma!!)


I laugh at DJ, but I admire his innocence. It’s something we lose with time, so it is so endearing to see him this way.

But who am I kidding? I still believe in superheroes, they just go by names other than Clark Kent.

P.S. If you are Clark Kent, you should get to know me 😉



Lost & Found in NYC

In NYFA journals on December 28, 2010 at 5:25 am



From Quotable Cards, Barnes & Noble, NY, NY.

New York’s been on my mind a lot lately, mainly because it was where I last felt (extremely) inspired. I learned so much while studying at the New York Film Academy (summer 2010), so over the next few posts, I will share some journals that were originally written for my acting technique class, taught by the wonderful Rebecca Tourino.

{ Originally written on July 20, 2010 }

Context: we each had to attempt a task that was impossible for us to do, prior to the live-attempt in class, within a given timeframe. I picked the splits. If I practiced like I tried, I’d get it back.

Journal: The second session of the class unfolded with each person’s “impossible task” performance. Even though I often tell myself, “do what’s possible, try what’s not”, I’ve never come across such an exercise before, and I’m really glad that I did. Investing belief in success is one point to keep in mind, but also having a clear goal is in and of itself a fundamental part of establishing a strong sense of self. Goals are often hindered by obstacles, but they can also be affected by distractions.

When I first arrived in New York, I was immediately overwhelmed – not because it was my first time here – it’s not, but because during those initial few days, I had a lot of time and space to myself, and not a lot going on to keep myself occupied. My goal of
being in New York this summer is to train at the NYFA, but prior to classes starting, I often found myself in a state of wander.

At the time, there was the heat wave, and without AC in my apartment, I spent a lot of time outside, in and out of air-conditioned stores, while walking lots around the city just to explore and become acquainted with the cultural richness there is. I felt a bit lost at the time, and I didn’t know why. All of a sudden, in the middle of the seminar, I came to realize that I fell victim to all the distractions in this city that never sleeps… I felt lost because I was distracted by everything else that was going on around me. However, what’s worth noting is that distractions are only recognized as such when one is clear about one’s purpose and focus. I feel that I am now… and because of this new found certainty, I am able to not be distracted.

Fast-forward to now: Words don’t do it justice, but the roller-coaster experience of being lost-and-then-found in what could be a daunting city, inspired quite the epiphany. It pushed me to dream, to dare, to risk. Alas, qui ne risque rien, n’a rien. Like the quote on the card, life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself; yet, finding yourself seems to be a pre-text. A bit of a catch-22; #DefinitelyJeNeSaisQuoi.