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Posts Tagged ‘past’

Moving On

In life on February 9, 2011 at 7:01 am

Where am I these days? You ask.
It’s really hard to say. Do you mean geographically? Because that changes quite often. I like to say that I am where I am needed – because that’s the truth, but it’s only a partial truth, because I am really where work requires me to be. Yet even when I’m stationary, I’m not. Unless I’m playing the piano, my heart is somewhere my mind isn’t, and my body is somewhere even further from the two. They always seem to be in separate places, unfolding their own ways. I am only one when I’m playing the piano, where I surrender my everything to music. Every other moment in my life, I am divided – not by choice, it’s just the way I’ve become.

I’ve also become more and more free – free from attachment, and I like it this way. Have I considered settling down? Certainly. I’ve considered it and the answer is no, thank you.

One of the qualities that I don’t like about myself is my weakness in saying no. But that’s changing, as I’m learning. In the process, I may piss off certain people…that’s okay though, I’ll make new friends.

My high school best friend is getting married in 10 days, and a friend said that “we are all looking for our ‘Azams'”. There is indeed truth in this statement, but I don’t feel longing… I am not sad or depressed because I haven’t found my “Azam”, instead, I am happy – the fact that I may meet him as I move on with life excites me. When I am not moving, I feel imprisoned; complacency is the death of me.

Yet I’m not the type to never look back, either. I don’t burn my bridges, and I do miss the people and places where I’ve left…that’s why I do re-visit “the past”. Call me sentimental if you wish, you can even call me something that pleases your ego, because you won’t have another opportunity to make that mistake.

Prompted by a recent event, I realized that once I’ve left a place, I’ve really left. This place is Toronto. Observations and experiences that same day mounted to something quite hurtful. The problem is with me though, as I still hold dear some of the friendships and relationships I once had. Surrounded by the same people, I am not who I once was, and you just don’t get it.

Because I care, I carry too much of the past with me, and it might be better to let go and move on. I may be tempted to look back from time to time – but I’ll save myself the journey. The math is simple – if I don’t go back, I could be twice as far in the direction of my dreams. If I don’t go back, maybe my mind, body, and heart will eventually arrive in one place.

Onwards…

{X}

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