Talk to me like a Man; Rudiments of Courtship; A 5-step How-To.

If you don’t live under a rock, you’ve probably been inundated with all things Valentine’s (pro and against) for as long as you’ve given up on your New Year’s resolutions. While you’re giving up, at least do it in style – “Say it with Crack Pie” à la Momofuku’s Milk Bar. Yeah, do it with fat that’s worth it. Or “Skip Valentine’s Day this year with a hand-picked selection of the best breakup albums ever recorded.” (Thanks, CD Universe)

Anyone that’s selling anything will now assault you in every way possible, to remind you that Valentine’s Day is upon us, the ultimate turning point of Cuffing Season. Capitalize on those sentiments if you wish; it’s good for the economy; good for the person receiving; good for the dentist; good for the dying CD industry, which could actually use some love. So keep on, Capitalism needs you. But more importantly, while your mind is on the matter, let’s bring it back to the basics. Yeah?

In the digital age, someone with whom to hold a decent conversation is as rare as a relic. In the circus we live in, naked photos come easier than decent invitations; Jane Austen would be rolling in her grave, as cringe-worthy behaviour permeates. So, #bethechange.

Voilà, Rudiments of Courtship

(Needless to say, these do not apply within the #FriendZone)

I. Address me in a manner that shows your force of character
Respect that I have a name. Don’t jump the gun on “baby” talk. Premature anything is less-than-desirable. If you go for nicknames, show intellect and imagination.

Please don’t:

• “Hey buddyyyy”  – Does your buddy wear six inch heels and model lingerie?
• “Yoooo” – I’ve yet to encounter a successful man who addresses a lady like this.

Compel a response, or you won’t get one.

II. Tell me what you love
Tell me about your day, your world, your passions, your dreams. Tell me what you love – I’m all for that. Better yet, teach me what I don’t know. If you have me locked in a conversation with you, green lights, I want to know. There’s nothing more sexy than a man in focus. Nothing more attractive than seeing someone light up in their element. “A man’s worth is no greater than his ambitions,” words of gold from Marcus Aurelius. So show me. I remember you for your ambitions and drive, I’m less so affected by physique. Call me jaded; I work with models all the time. But the most beautiful thing? Well, here.
So talk to me. But remember, speaking poorly about your ex’s, your friends, or other important people in your personal/professional lives, will reflect poorly on you. Refrain from that descent. Gossip is for tweenage girls; talk to me like a Man.

III. Ask me for what I like
I don’t do “favourites”, but I have preferences, I know what I like. I’m open to what I don’t know, of which there are lots, but the arrogance to assume you know what’s best for me, doesn’t jive. I like men who take charge, but real men never neglect to ask.
Assume nothing. Ask.

IV. Offer tangible solutions
I lead a complexly interesting life, of which there are frequent radical surprises. (Reads, “I’m a trouble-maker, and tend to be more than a handful.”) A single, pitiful, expression of “That sucksss…” is not something I need to reacquaint with. With first-hand experience,  I know better than you can imagine. Trust me. Real men offer tangible solutions.
i.e. When I got a flat driving on the high-way, support physically came to my rescue (in a suit-and-tie no less, straight from work in another city, meeting me at disaster point!). I learned early on that Roadside Assistance is for girls who didn’t have real men in their lives.

Please don’t:

• Tell me I need a break; I’m blessed to do what I love, and I run on that.
• Instead? Plan a break, and take me there. Intrigue me. Command my respect, attention, sweep me off my feet. Otherwise, I’ll think of you as a pest. #sorrynotsorry.

V. Put your money where your mouth is
Self-explanatory.

Granted, this post has been about talk, but genuine sincerity trumps slick lines any day. I’m of the creed that’s immune to sugarcoated sweet-talk.

Oh, and if you tell me, “we have to talk“, don’t wait for me to confront you a year later on the subway platform. Boys walk away; Real men walk the talk.

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